When speaking with these clients, Kort encourages them to be open about their response to receptive anal intercourse, as it can cause a very valid problem in a relationship if a top wants to engage in penetrative anal sex. Others won’t do it for religious reasons because they feel that every other sexual act is less punishable in their religion than anal sex. Kort adds that, in some cases, not enjoying bottoming is not even physical, and can be the result of internalized homophobia, or even the fear of HIV (bottoms are more susceptible to the virus when engaging in penetrative anal sex). “It is just a relationship and sexual style of the person and not gender-based.” “This isn’t to be confused with being feminine,” he clarifies. Kort says men also identify as bottoms because they like to feel protected and taken care of. “There is no shame in identifying as a bottom who doesn’t engage in nor enjoy anal sex.” “Many identify as bottoms because they like to be more submissive and passive, so they seek an alpha-top type of guy,” he says.
“It’s not that he was huge or didn’t know what he was doing, it just rarely felt good, and this eventually caused tension in and out of the bedroom.”Īccording to sex and relationship therapist Joe Kort, who regularly works with gay men, Gerry and Chris’ issues are not uncommon. “Most of the time I’d have to tell him to stop when we were having sex,” he says. No matter what they tried in the bedroom-more lube, more foreplay, less force-pain would always prevail. My mind wants it, but my body doesn’t allow me.”Ĭhris echoes this frustration, sharing that this same pain and discomfort was an issue in his previous long-term relationship. But I get super frustrated because there’s a part of me that would love to get railed. “My partner and I, who are both versatile but prefer bottoming, have good sex and I don’t have anything negative to say about our relationship. “I’m dealing with it right now,” he divulges. “And if I skipped douching, I would feel insecure about my encounter.” “It’s annoying because I have to plan for sex and my sexual appetite doesn’t work that way,” Gerry, 25, says. Apart from it being inconvenient and clinical, douching can rob bottoms of sexual spontaneity. “A bottom’s identity can certainly be more about a state of mind-of receptivity and/or submission-than a specific physical act,” she says.īesides the pain, douching is another popular reason bottoms don’t enjoy receptive anal intercourse. Zhana Vrangalova, New York University professor of human sexuality, empathizes with men like Chris, and believes bottoms exist far beyond the dichotomy of anal sex.
“The fantasy appeals to me more than the reality.”ĭr. “The bottoms always look like they’re having the time of their lives and everything just slips in with no struggle at all,” he says. “It’s that stereotypical big burly guy doing what he wants to me and taking control,” he explains.Ĭhris blames this fantasy on the porn industry, which, in his opinion, romanticizes the ease of receptive anal intercourse.
Though he doesn’t enjoy receiving anal sex, Chris still identifies as a bottom because he’s submissive, prefers giving oral sex rather than receiving, likes feeling protected, and his sexual fantasies often-if not always-depict him as the receptive partner. I find myself thinking: Okay, hurry up and finish so this can end.” “I know it’s only supposed to hurt for a bit, but even when it starts to feel good it’s still not satisfying. “I find anal sex more painful than enjoyable,” Chris, 23, says. A few hours after posting my request, messages poured in. When I initially requested to speak with bottoms on this topic, I wasn’t expecting many bites (this kind of information is sensitive!). Can you really be a bottom if you don’t enjoy receptive anal intercourse?